The first thing worth noting about Tomb Raider is that I fell asleep watching it 3 times before I actually completed it. Yeah, I know. How could I ever get bored of watching Angelina Jolie’s audition tape for Cirque du Soleil? She runs up pyramids, flips around on bungies in a mansion and does everything in her power to destroy some ancient science project.
The only thing more impressive than Jolie’s Indiana Jones impression is Daniel Craig’s not James Bond impression. That’s right ladies Craig makes his appearance known by being naked and grinning like a hipster at an Arcade Fire show.
Actually, now that I think about it both Jolie and Craig appear naked (with strategically placed tables, hand guns and tombs to preserve feigned modesty). This came across as really weird to me mainly because I think Craig looks like a slightly downsy tree and Jolie has the face of Mother Brain from Captian N. However, Tomb Raider relentlessly throws their sexuality in your face.
It’s like, “ Look how sexy archeology can be. LOOK, DAMNIT!”
As I trudge through the notes I took while watching the movie I come to the conclusion that I have no idea exactly what this movie is about. I do not blame my note taking. There are clocks,the Illuminati and some mild time travel. Which, for the record, if I was going to go back in time I don’t think I’d waste it on turning a knife around (and cutting myself in the process(yeah, that happened)).
The best way to describe this movie is aggressively forgettable. I realized towards the end that I had actually seen this movie before. And like the first time, Tomb Raider slips from my memory. I’m just happy that I have the movie on DVD to remind myself not to watch it.
Seriously, I put a Post-It on the DVD to remind myself.
But like Yoda’s death rattle that expounded on Luke’s family tree, there is another…